You Don't Know Who I Am.

Being defined by the faces that mean nonetheless to you, you can’t stop it. But they don’t know me, they haven’t seen my life, and they have not been in my shoes, so why tell me who I may or may not be? Inside I’m not the person that truly portrays, but they judge me anyways. Maybe I look happy, but inside I’m dying in burning hell, what can you say about me? Maybe I look like a drab, but inside I’m perfectly content with who I am, what can you say about me? Maybe I seem to come off clueless, but I’m smart inside, what can you say about me? So call me a junky, tell me I'm dumb, but your words are just words, my personality will someday prevail. Like Jekyll and Hyde, Utterson and others come off with the conclusion of two different personalities coming together into being one, before the stated evidence. Evidence is what calms the mind within the real truth. As society we judge, judge, and judge until there is nothing to be said anymore. You don’t know who I am.

The Devil's Capola

It’s inside of us; it’s always been there, evil lies deep within every soul bursting to come out. Feeling qualm, there’s a sense of a wild spirit itching to surge free, out of the core in which inhabits all nature. Being good at every moment, connecting to the USB cords of heaven is out of reach. Evil always finds its ways, evil will portray within every soul and evil will erupt into the atmosphere from every individual. We each find the urge to break free from the good, feeling the satisfying taste for revenge to those who tortured us. There’s a reason why not everyone deserves the privilege to enter the gateways of heaven, Satan will lead us into temptation and delivers us into evil. The problem is the strength to overcome the unmanning criminalizing evil that lies within us is hard to pass. Hyde within Jekyll, Jekyll within Hyde, fails to achieve the heroic doing by falling recklessly into the devils capola.

Oblivious, but Obvious

Jekyll and Hyde, disguised as one; suffer the incurable sickness of the mind connected with the overpowering devil. Mentally dysfunctional, hungry for the satisfying taste of revenge, Jekyll lacks in the area of common sense. All peers know, believe, and “proven” the source of all sinister unearthly manners. Suffering multiple personality disorder, Jekyll refuses to ruin one reputation to save the other. Only the mind of a true sinister villain can successfully achieve the goal of murder, without the blame. Hiding the fact of immoral acts, a ridiculous letter stating the death of Jekyll himself proves the weakness and desire to come at hand with the father of hell, without guilt. Callous in the mind, unaware of others, evil spirits nonetheless overshadows the soul of both dual personalities of Jekyll and Hyde. The answer is oblivious, but obvious.

The Door of Duality

Two different personalities, two different minds, just one individual hidden behind the masked door of duality. Society leaves us into saving our reputation, rather than creating and dwelling into new personalities and well-beings. Each individual contains the power of evil with a sprinkle of heavenly innocence, in which the temptation of evil escapes willing to come at hand with the devil. Based on human nature, an individual can overcome the “Lucifer Effect”, where the mind takes a dramatic turn for a craving for evil acts. Both Jekyll and Hyde, being one, close and open the doors of the transformation into the two individuals playing the role of Satan and the blissful divine angels. But unknowingly realizing the cause sand effects of duality, Hyde and Jekyll, threw a twist onto the back minds of the public, “Hitherto it had touched him on the intellectual side alone’ but now his imagination also was engaged, or rather enslaved; and as he lay and tossed in the gross darkness of the night and the curtained room, Mr. Enfield’s tale went by before his mind in a scroll of lighted pictures” (48). Connecting with the devil in such acts reacts towards society, making it necessary to hide behind the door of duality. Puzzling out connections and differences between two different minds never solve the question, making the mind of Jekyll brilliant, relating to the sinister world of the devil, successfully leaving Hyde “anonymous”.

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In an imperfect world filled with thousands beyond thousands of people, I am alone. Alone as in abandoned in a crowded room, alone as in crying in the corner in a dark bedroom, alone as in just barely crossing the line between life and death. Society‘s idea of blending with crowd killed a teenager, had literally killed me. Who would have known having imagination run wildly free like a mustang galloping throughout the wide beautiful plains of Montana was unacceptable? Being the middle child of a family of eight, born with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, I was different, not just medically but also physically. But that wasn’t the main subject to why I never had the capability to fit in. My thoughts and ideas went to and beyond the moon, but that didn’t make the cut of being admitted into the “University of Humanity”. Within the family my existence disappeared, dwindling on my own. Contained in my own fantasy, grieving for attention, grasping for help, I did nothing to deserve this.
Growing up as outcast of the family, that reputation had maliciously shadowed me into the public world of school, work, and creeping into my personal social life of nothingness. I was never afraid to speak my mind, my ideas genuinely flowed through my act of writing and drawing, which was unacceptable to this civilization we call the present, which wasn’t so much of a gift to me. I wore gloomy clothes, style of music was slightly unusual, and wasn’t as skinny or beautiful as the normalcy, but that was out of my control, out of my reach. What was there for me to do? It’s impossible for me to be loved; my aching heart beats to the aching rhythm of pain.
I turned to cutting. Cutting was the pain that I was supposed to feel, the pain I deserve. I always used to think that because no one had enjoyed my presence, cutting was the right thing for me, what I really deserved for lacking significance, beauty, and talent, that the superior gods had tormented with, just as the Greek Roman gods had done to their people, I was created to deserve this throbbing pain of the mind, body, and soul. As though my actions had no prevalence towards the people who did “fit in”, they chose me to laugh at, me to torture, and me to feel the gushing heart throbbing pain of emotional, mental, and physical abuse.
In the sixteen years of existence, the moment that had torn me down, broke me apart, shredded my heart into gravel sized pieces of shriek forever damaged my soul, distinctly separating me from humanity. That instant where the past couldn’t be taken back, memories would never fade, thoughts intellectually rampaged the mind, I couldn’t have one last moment at peace with the world. This beautifully horrific life, disrupted by the ugly hearted inhabitants of society.
As like all other days, walking home was a struggle. Just as in other daily tasks, I did this alone. Well here I was, feeling perfectly fine; more so content; I had underestimated myself. Always feeling paranoid, this very day, paranoia was the only thing that could have possibly saved me. But I felt fine, I tried keeping the silly immature consideration, I tried to revert my mind to other thoughts; but I was aware that something was not right, feeling breaths down my shoulder, I panicked. The dirty mind playing savages had planned to willingly agonize, torment, and brutalize my existence to the maximum potential. October 27, 2009, a day that forever changed and destroyed my soul.
Who would have known on a typical, something so heart wounding, such damaging act could have been done? On the usual path home, members of a group within my school, mostly known as the raucous beast of burden followed me home. Being unaware, grabbing my ponytail, pulling my waist, attacking my fragile body. They took me into this dark alley of ferocious frightening fear. With agonizing terror, I had suffered physical torment that not ever crossed my mind. With every book read, every song heard, every painting I have drawn, this terrorizing scene was never exposed to psychology. It was as if I were watching my body being dreadfully violated. My personal space, invaded by the cruel hands of injustice. I was slaughtered. Numerous occurrences with being knocked down, strike out, and thumped; I could no longer withstand the pain, so I fell in agony. My heart couldn’t take this fast motion of life going past my eyes. My heart raced faster and faster. I couldn’t breathe; my medical condition taking me back a notch had ended the pain, bringing me to a new life. With my inhabited soul, body, and mind; they had dragged my mortal soul unto a new world of sinister immoral underworld of hell. My body, abused, sauntered, tortured. Who would have known such minds with a heart of coal had thoughts of ever doing this to anyone who deserved a real shot at life. They never realized the sins they have committed and how the afterlife, will come back.

End of the Year Blues

As the year gruadually ends, and when excitement finally kicks in, the feeling of sadness still fills me up. Even when I know I should be happy because I am able to graduate from middle school and I am smart enough to pass a grade, but as I have experienced this before, every year seems to be different. People change, friends change, everything basically changes, and personally, I don't think I'm ready for more changes, in fact I don't think any one is either. I'm not trying to say that I don't want the school year to end, or summer to come,but this year was one of a kind, and I'm going to miss it. In the next year, things will change dramitically as we all predict , but maybe we should all take a break from change and live the moment as it is, well at least for now.

The Best Feeling.

Feeling the pressure put against the keys with my fingers, knowing that an instrument so difficult to play is something my own fingers can make music with, realizing the fact that I can read and play on my own on fills me up with pride. Making such a beautiful sound, being able to play a song, getting lost in the music is something not very many people are capable to do, and the feeling of accomplishing one piece is unexplainable. Being able to play is amazing and I would never take years of practice back, for playing piano is one of my best hobbies.

Music

Music can mean so much to a person, it can help express feelings that can't seem to get out. Without music, how would our world be like today? The love of music is unexplainable to many people, including me. How each genre of music can affect the way you feel, the way it relieves the stress, and how music can change your mood shows how powerful music can be, and how much it truly means.

A Summer to Remember

The calming warm breeze felt across my face was a feeling soo unexplainable. Feeling the cold ocean waters seeping through my toes as I walk across the shoreline of the Jersey shores was a feeling so spectacular. Watching the sun as it goes down listening to the calming sounds you usually hear at the beach takes the stress from every day life, wanting this feeling to never end, never wanting to go back home, and living the moment. Loving the feeling of not having to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or stressing about chores or getting anything done was one of the true beauties unseen within New Jersey.

Summer 2010

The feeling of summer is coming back. The feeling of being free, being able to wake up whenever you want, and even the feeling of going to different places in the time you have off, and exploring new things. The phenomonal feeling you get when you have the chance to hang out with your friends without classes, bells, or teachers interrupting. Breathing the fresh summer air, laying on the beautiful green grass, sleepovers, swimming in cold water on a hot day are the true highlights of summer. But spending the summer without your one true best friend, the one you spend time with every summer, the one you practically cannot live with out, will be a summer never imagined, but trying to be without this person is something I have to face, keep my head up high, and make this a summer to remember.