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In an imperfect world filled with thousands beyond thousands of people, I am alone. Alone as in abandoned in a crowded room, alone as in crying in the corner in a dark bedroom, alone as in just barely crossing the line between life and death. Society‘s idea of blending with crowd killed a teenager, had literally killed me. Who would have known having imagination run wildly free like a mustang galloping throughout the wide beautiful plains of Montana was unacceptable? Being the middle child of a family of eight, born with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, I was different, not just medically but also physically. But that wasn’t the main subject to why I never had the capability to fit in. My thoughts and ideas went to and beyond the moon, but that didn’t make the cut of being admitted into the “University of Humanity”. Within the family my existence disappeared, dwindling on my own. Contained in my own fantasy, grieving for attention, grasping for help, I did nothing to deserve this.
Growing up as outcast of the family, that reputation had maliciously shadowed me into the public world of school, work, and creeping into my personal social life of nothingness. I was never afraid to speak my mind, my ideas genuinely flowed through my act of writing and drawing, which was unacceptable to this civilization we call the present, which wasn’t so much of a gift to me. I wore gloomy clothes, style of music was slightly unusual, and wasn’t as skinny or beautiful as the normalcy, but that was out of my control, out of my reach. What was there for me to do? It’s impossible for me to be loved; my aching heart beats to the aching rhythm of pain.
I turned to cutting. Cutting was the pain that I was supposed to feel, the pain I deserve. I always used to think that because no one had enjoyed my presence, cutting was the right thing for me, what I really deserved for lacking significance, beauty, and talent, that the superior gods had tormented with, just as the Greek Roman gods had done to their people, I was created to deserve this throbbing pain of the mind, body, and soul. As though my actions had no prevalence towards the people who did “fit in”, they chose me to laugh at, me to torture, and me to feel the gushing heart throbbing pain of emotional, mental, and physical abuse.
In the sixteen years of existence, the moment that had torn me down, broke me apart, shredded my heart into gravel sized pieces of shriek forever damaged my soul, distinctly separating me from humanity. That instant where the past couldn’t be taken back, memories would never fade, thoughts intellectually rampaged the mind, I couldn’t have one last moment at peace with the world. This beautifully horrific life, disrupted by the ugly hearted inhabitants of society.
As like all other days, walking home was a struggle. Just as in other daily tasks, I did this alone. Well here I was, feeling perfectly fine; more so content; I had underestimated myself. Always feeling paranoid, this very day, paranoia was the only thing that could have possibly saved me. But I felt fine, I tried keeping the silly immature consideration, I tried to revert my mind to other thoughts; but I was aware that something was not right, feeling breaths down my shoulder, I panicked. The dirty mind playing savages had planned to willingly agonize, torment, and brutalize my existence to the maximum potential. October 27, 2009, a day that forever changed and destroyed my soul.
Who would have known on a typical, something so heart wounding, such damaging act could have been done? On the usual path home, members of a group within my school, mostly known as the raucous beast of burden followed me home. Being unaware, grabbing my ponytail, pulling my waist, attacking my fragile body. They took me into this dark alley of ferocious frightening fear. With agonizing terror, I had suffered physical torment that not ever crossed my mind. With every book read, every song heard, every painting I have drawn, this terrorizing scene was never exposed to psychology. It was as if I were watching my body being dreadfully violated. My personal space, invaded by the cruel hands of injustice. I was slaughtered. Numerous occurrences with being knocked down, strike out, and thumped; I could no longer withstand the pain, so I fell in agony. My heart couldn’t take this fast motion of life going past my eyes. My heart raced faster and faster. I couldn’t breathe; my medical condition taking me back a notch had ended the pain, bringing me to a new life. With my inhabited soul, body, and mind; they had dragged my mortal soul unto a new world of sinister immoral underworld of hell. My body, abused, sauntered, tortured. Who would have known such minds with a heart of coal had thoughts of ever doing this to anyone who deserved a real shot at life. They never realized the sins they have committed and how the afterlife, will come back.